Conditional love?

My boys have a deep seeded, innate love for their pappies.  It's been that way since birth and has only grown with each passing day.  I can tell you that I know just how lucky we are to have two wonderful fathers that are so involved with their grandsons.  I can also tell you how lucky we are that our boys allow this to happen.  Well conditionally at least.  

I have mentioned before that autism is a social and emotional disorder.  In fact, the word autism comes from the Greek word "autos" which translated means "self."  It is actually quite a misunderstanding that autism in itself is a "new" disorder.  In truth, doctors have been using the term "autism" for over 100 years to describe children and individuals who are withdrawn from society and from social interactions and hence drawn within their "self"--autistic.  In the 1940's, when Hans Asperger and Leo Kanner were publishing their work the diagnosis, autistic or autism, rose slightly in popularity, but was still a rarity.  It wasn't until the 1980's and 90's with attention deficit disorder (ADD) becoming a household term, that scientist begin researching and developing the works of their predecessors, and the medical diagnosis of autism grew in popularity and support.  Although arguments can be made about different aspects of diagnostic conditions, the base and core of autism is the fact that people with the disorder if allowed would be completely unsocial, withdrawn and in many instances unemotional.

Therefore, by definition and in reality, my boys struggle with relationships and interactions.  For an example,  my oldest is in first grade at a wonderful school that has an autistic support classroom and he is integrated for math and specials (music, art, computers) for some of the day with the help of a one-on-one aid.  Now, it might not be surprising that my son does not know any names of the kids in his "normal" class, which he calls it.  But here's a shocker:  he does not know the name of his one-on-one!!  This lady (who is absolutely amazing) is with him everyday, all day!  Helps with food, bathroom, classes.  They are joined at the hip and for the life of him he cannot remember her name.  We practice.  We rehearse. We preach.  But alas it does not stick.  He calls her "my lady."  And that's all he needs to know.  She is "his lady" in school.  That is her purpose and hence it is quite practical to call her 'my lady."  Black and white.  

And so, the fact that they desire to see their paps; they fact they want to interact with them is more than I could ever hope for, but it comes with no lack of umm, lets say awkwardness.  I'm not sure if it is like this with every child with autism, but when my boys get attached to someone, like their pappies, then they are literally 'attached" to them.  Wherever the pappies are, my boys are right with them.  There is no separation.  No breaks.  They are little magnets and of course the paps never ever complain.  But sometimes it causes some unexpected situations, and in the event below lead to a new "contingency" that has been set in place by my youngest.

My little one, in a very uncharacteristic fashion, spent the night (THE WHOLE NIGHT) at my dad's house.  Being a little early bird, he woke up and he and gram were up to the normal morning activities.  Apparently, my dad woke up sometime later and slipped into the bathroom to take a shower.  My lil one, hearing pap-pap stir, went running into the bathroom to see his man.  (The boys do not understand privacy in the throne room.  No matter the repercussions, they can not understand why the bathroom cannot be a communal hangout as well.)  So, busting in, he went straight to the shower and whipped open the shower curtain.

"Whatcha doin' pap-pap"

"Taking a shower buddy."

"Pap-pap guess what?"

"What"

"I DO NOT like seeing you naked."  

"Umm, then close the curtain buddy...."

And there you have it.  My little one declared his condition that has now been set forth for pap-pap.  He has now informed me that he wants to go to pap-paps but only if he has showered first.  Not that he will stay out of the bathroom.  Not that he will not open the shower curtain, but that pap must shower first prior to his arrival.  Black and white.

I guess he has decided that showering is an "autos" function for pap: to be done by his "self."

The Saga of the Traveling Coffee Cup

No autism tonight.  This post is a good ole' woman vs man vent about coffee mugs of all things.  You would not believe how many times this conversation comes up in this house.  Coffee is a staple, plain and simple. We drink it all the time and take it with us everywhere we go.  So when one of us goes to grab a travel mug from the cupboard and there are none, tempers flare and words are exchanged....all love of course.

Let me first take a step back and explain something about my hubs.  Because of his bipolar, there are days where he is just a little more on edge then others.  He does his best to keep it together, but if something pushes him over the edge, well then sometimes the unexpected happens.

Take for example one fine day when we were out shopping.  It was before the kids, even before the marriage and we were out Christmas shopping. It was a cold December day and I had taken a coffee mug with me to get my morning dose of caffeine.  The mug I took was my favorite mug.  My life long friend made it for me in a pottery class she took in college and I used it everyday. 

Let me break the story once again to explain something else.  I have a horrible habit of not finishing my drinks.  I begin to drink something, get distracted and leave my cup/mug/bottle laying around.  Hours may go by before I realized I lost my drink and I go back looking for it.  Unfortunately, there have been many of times that my lost drink has gotten spilled for this reason or that.  The cat knocked it over on the coffee table, you move the laptop and hit it, or say when you get into the car you bump into it spilling all over your pants.

Okay, so it is a bad habit to leave half empty (some might say half full) mugs around like a trail of bread crumbs everywhere you go.  I admit it.  And yes, I too would be upset if when I got into the car I spilled semi-warm coffee down my pants making it look like I peed myself while out Christmas shopping.  I get it, I really do.  So, when he got upset grumbling about my bad habit I let it go in one ear and out the other, starting the car up and driving to our next destination.  When I looked over to see how bad the wet spot on his pants was, I busted out laughing.  I couldn't help it.  I know its childish, but it was just so funny.  Well, apparently my then finance did not think it was that funny, because next thing I knew, the passenger side window was going down and my favorite coffee mug was flying out of it landing somewhere on Interstate 70.  No words were exchanged as I longingly looked for my mug in the rear-view mirror.  It wasn't until we reached our next destination did I say.  "I really loved that mug."  His reply, "I really love dry pants."  And the saga began.

I few days later, I found a traveling coffee mug on the kitchen counter.  I took it as a "I'm sorry, use this in the car" small apology/hint.  From there we have been adding to our traveling coffee mug collection but unfortunately when we add some kids to our pack a new problem occurred.  I started leaving the mugs in the car.  I know, I know...another bad habit.  But I just honestly run out of hands.  By the time I get the kids in, the diaper bag, my purse and usually some bag of groceries or toys or something, I just down right forget the mugs.  So then, when the next day rolls around and my hubbie goes to grab one, there are none there.  So then he mentions there are no mugs and I reach right into my back pocket and bring up the mug toss incident.  And the saga continues. 

Of all things, coffee mugs.  We bicker/joke over coffee mugs.  So we have finally found a solution...disposable coffee cups.  Yes, it might have taken eight years for us to finally figure it out, but when we spotted them we both laughed and threw them into our cart.  His response, "Now don't go getting attached."