I have to say that I am writing this in a daze. These last few weeks have been crazy busy between doctor's appointments, therapies, me starting back to work/school at WVU part time and many other things in between. It actullay feels like time has passed on around me as I have stood still. So many things I have on my to-do list are still there: to do. It's frustrating and mind boggling all at once. In my head, when I make plans "to do" whatever, it makes perfect sense and absolutely achievable, but in reality, is it?
This issue really came to light today when I had a nice meeting with my doctoral adviser this morning. She wanted to discuss my time line to finishing up my PhD. (If you didn't know I have been working on it for the last 5 years in the field of geochemistry.) When I entered into the doctoral program I was a single white female with a dog. Five years in, I'm a married mom with two kiddos on the spectrum, three dogs and two cats. Needless to say, my life has changed. And with that comes the reality that maybe I can't finish this doctoral thing. Many, many times during these life changes I have come to a cross roads with my education: should I complete it or should I wave the white flag? Each time I say, yep, I am going to do it! I am doing this for sure!! I CAN do this! I love this stuff and I have done so much and achieved so much, how could I stop now! My husband says do it! I will support you! My family the same. Yet days, weeks, months go by and I get nothing accomplished. So am I delusional? Am I just dreaming of another path my life could have taken? Will I just not let go of my life before? Or can I really do this?
Now if you are pumped up on the" if you think it you can achieve it" jargon, then yes, I can do this. But let me shed some light on reality. Reality is five out of seven nights a week I get less that four hours sleep.
Seven nights of the week I get woken up at least twice for some reason. Reality is my boys never stop. And I mean NEVER STOP MOVING. If you are a parent of an hyper active spectrum kid, then you get this. If you are not, give your toddler a 2 liter bottle of Mountain Dew, with a huge chocolate bar, and two cans of Red Bull and you got yourself a hyper active aspie. Reality is mom is main runner in the house since I only work/school part time, and hence is the doctor/therapy/appointments driver. Reality is I still have clothes that have been dirty since Christmas that still have yet to be washed. In essence, I can't keep up with life, how can I possibly finish my dissertation? I have to be delusional.
And I think I am. Actually, I think I'm a delusional dreamer, because today I heard myself say, yes I can do this, yet again. Do I believe it? Sort of. Does my adviser believe it? Sort of. It's just I have been saying it for so long and time keeps moving on and yet again, I feel like I, myself am standing still. It would be a dream to finish but is it really possible now?
The truth is I set out to do this education thing in what feels like a life-time ago; when things were a little easier (actually a lot) and there were less demands on me. Now its different. Before I planned on going to a school where I could teach and do major research, publish awesome papers and be a "rock" star scientist. Now, I doubt I will be able to work full time for many, many years and would have to probably choose between research or teaching. And so as I went through my day today in my zombie like tired state, I kept thinking of this meeting in the back of my head and wondering if this is even a reality or a dream that I need to give up on.
And so I asked myself this question: What would Oprah Do? Yep, good ole' Oprah. Don't laugh, we are the graduating generation from the school of Oprah. When I asked myself the Winfrey question, I pictured myself on a couch next to Oprah answering her amazing "aaa-haa" pivoting questions that would let myself come to the right decision. She would help my find my reality. My zen. And when I was done with my interview I would look into the cameras and say.......
I'm an idiot. I am a delusional idiot, but I am pushing forward. I am going to trudge through this as un-pretty, as un-organized and as un-timely as it is....darn it, I'm doing it. I'm not giving up until they literally kick me out of the program and say, enough's enough. I set out to do it and I'm going to show my kiddos this mom is awesome. I think this sadistic, merciless dream, that I have started and am determine to finish, has quickly developed into something much more meaningful than a degree. Basically, its turned into a big ole' middle finger to the obstacles that many times made me think twice about finishing. It will be a shout out to autism to say, take that autism. This family will take you on and laugh at you as we continue on in life successfully. It's a "how about that" to all those who think that I can't, won't, or am stupid for thinking that I can do it. And it will be a major, major victory for me to do something for just good ole me. If I never do anything with it afterwards, its okay. I still did it. And so delusional dreamer I may be, but its what I am sticking with for this moment. And fingers crossed, some margaritas down the hatch, and a whole lot of hope, I will someday soon I will be writing a victory speech on here.
And maybe when I'm done, I'll make the kids call me Dr. Mom! ;)
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