Ode to Walmart

My aspie and my husband loathe shopping.  They do not like shopping for different reasons, but both are in agreement that it is not for them.  My husband outlook on shopping is that he should only go if the items are specifically for him.  There is no reason really.  My aspie hates shopping because it is a sensory overload.  The people, the loud noises, the business of everything is way to much.  He has gotten to the point that we can no longer go to malls, the outlets, or any other place except...Walmart. 

My husband and my aspie like Walmart.  My husband does because he can buy his hunting and fishing gear, his underwear, his jeans, food, and razors in all one spot.  For someone who hates to shop, this is a blessing.  You're in, you're out, you're done. For me, I use to despise Walmart. You go in its visually blah, it always looks the same, it has such high ceilings it feels like you are in a warehouse instead of a store, and it does have hunting/fishing, ammunition, milk and clothes all in the same place, and the shoppers and employees are generally in a bad mood for some reason.  For a person who likes to shop, this is horrific.  I like stores, not a store.  I like happy people, not the doom and gloomers.  But since, this was the store that two out of three of us perfer, and the two that perfer it can scream louder than me, I have given in.  But then I realized, that for a child with aspergers, the same monotonous layout, the lack of decorations and fluff, the warehouse feeling of being large and not confining, and the fact that each Walmart around here is laid out the same is truly perfect!  There is no change, its predictable, and its got toys as a reward at the end.  Yes, its loud, but he can handle that since he knows that Walmart carries Thomas the Tank Engine Trains.  And in my aspie's book, he can handle the noise for a train. 

There is still one issue with Walmart that I had to work on through trail and error to allow for the best shopping experience for my family:  The loads of people that can be there.  People are not good for neither my aspie nor my bipolar.  Mean stupid people set off my husband, and people who want to talk and fuss over the two cute boys in the cart set off my aspie.  Not good.  This is especially bad because my aspie usually responds to people's demands for his name and age with "I don't like you" or "I don't like anything," which are two scripts he says whenever he feels overwhelmed.  Then I stand there with an awkward smile and say, "Oh we are going through a shy phase, and this is my son who is 4.  He has to go to the potty now."  And then we leave the awkwardness behind us.

 There is actually another reason though for avoiding people with my husband.  Little old ladies LOVE him.  It's quite crazy.  I cannot tell you how many times I have had to wait in the car for him because some blue hair has asked him to help her to their car with her bags.  Or how many times he has walked with one to the right isle because they cannot find something and stop to ask him.  He's the old lady whisperer.  So because my aspie and my baby have a shopping timer that if we hit the limit all hell breaks loose, this is a problem.  Therefore, I have been on the search for the absolute perfect time to visit Walmart.  Here's what I have found out in chart format (my PhD advisor is smiling right now):

Weekdays	People Type	Warnings	Danger Level
7am-2:30 pm	Older retirees, stay at home moms	People type love children and must talk to them, touch, fuss over them, do not take hints to please go away	Code RED – only go in emergencies
2:30-7:00pm	After school kids and people getting off of work	Kids crazy from school, workers grumpy after working	Code Orange – Run in and run out, no large orders
7:00pm -9:00pm	Families, singles, couple	People minding own business but toy isles busy, lines are long due to large orders	Code Brown – Can do but can be frustrating to wait in line, due with two adults
Saturdays	CRAZIES OF ALL KIND	It’s a mix of all of the above and all things can happen	Code RED – only go in emergencies
Sundays	Families and those who have come from church	As my husband says, “there’s something about the word of the Lord that makes people want to spend money.”  To busy and too long of lines	Code Orange – Run in and Run out, no large orders

So when then is the best time to approach Walmart?  It's Friday between 6:30 and 9:00. There are usually only a few couples, some families, but everyone is pleasant, not in a rush, and the lines are pretty short.  The blue hairs are at home watching Jeopardy and "The Wheel" and so that threat is low.  (To be honest, both hubs and I love these shows too, which has made us worry about our age situation.)  And most importantly, the threat of people trying to talk, touch or make over our aspie is very low.  And therefore, our big outting for the week occurs on Fridays to Walmart.  I know, big pimpers here.  Sometimes, for an extra kick we top it off with a quick drive thru at Starbucks for a treat for mom and dad and some milk for the boys.  

Feel free to use the chart above to plan your next shopping adventure to our beloved store.  I have worked long and hard on this (sort of)  and can assure you that it is tested and stands true.  0.1020166

0+1  That is from the baby and I will leave it in for character.  I think he sums it up perfectly!

Clogs: Tales from the Toilet

This post has honestly nothing to do with asperger's or bipolar, but instead are some crazy stories that occurred in our home, particularly in our bathroom that I just don't believe happens to everyone.  An incident occurred early this week that reminded me of all the others misfortunes that have occurred with us and the wrath of the toilet. I apologize for going off my normal path, but since this is also therapeutic for me, I truly need a good laugh today, and the stories below make me laugh every time I think about them.

The saga begins when my then boyfriend, now husband, and I started to live together.  We lived in this really sweet, older home that was vacant for two years before we moved in.  We did a lot of cleaning and fixing and really just loved the house.  Expect for one small thing.  The bathroom.  Apparently, it is really hard on a bathroom to not be used for two years.  The old toilet paper in the pipes turns into a cement and causes a thinning of the pipes.  (You probably already see where I am going with this.)  Unfortunately for me, it always seemed that when I used the bathroom, the toilet clogged.  It happened so often that my then boyfriend gave me an official WWE nickname.  The terror of the toilet, the commode choker, the destroyer of the dumper, the porcelain punisher....Lisa  "the Clog" Horvath.  It was funny and maddening to me all at the same time as I would be plunging away trying to fix the problem.  What made the whole situation worse was that the plumbing in this house was old, and therefore, if you plunge the toilet, it would come up into the shower.  So, every time I clogged the toilet, I had to scrub the shower with bleach.  It was so bad, that we were shower shoes in our own shower.  The only thing we could do was laugh about the situation and make light about it.  My husband even came up with a little ditty about it, "Ghetto shower, there is shit on my shoes.  Ghetto shower, you give me the poop'n blues."  If you can imagine those words to good blues harmonic blues track then you can imagine my husband's daily showering jingle.  A year later, after our lease was done, we moved into our newly purchased home thinking our bathroom blues were behind us.

Oh, how naive were we!  But before I go into that I have to mention that at this time in our life, before kids, before marriage, we loved to have nice aquariums and fish.  We actually had fish that thrived and grew quite big.  We had one fish that I named Pinky, which was a African Ciclid. Pinky grew to an enormous size, which no kidding was the size of a desert plate.  At least 3-4 inches wide and 4-5 inches longs.  A huge fish to say the least.  When our fish would die, my husband would scoop them up, take them outside, and throw them out back into our 1/2 acre of woods.  But, Pinky was special.  Pinky was the meanest, baddest, craziest fish we ever had.  Pinky was my husband's favorite.  So when Pinky final could no longer be with us, my husband felt that she needed a better burial than the good ole toss.  That's right, he honored her with the royal flush.  Now, please don't judge my husband for flushing a fish the size of a 6" sub down the toilet, for he was in mourning.  When I arrived home that day, he hit me with the news.  Honey, Pinky died and I clogged the toilet.  It took me awhile before I realized that he had clogged the toilet with Pinky.  Oh, I said, did you plunge it. Yes, he said.  I couldn't get it.  Oh, so that is why the plunger is out in the yard, I said.  Smart ass, he said. 

So let me fast forward three days.  By this time, we had tried a snake, soap, plunging with a "better" plunger from Lowes, had my father-in-law come over and called my dad who was on vacation and asked him questions.  It was down to hiring a plumber, but since we just put all of our money into the house, we couldn't afford one.  So, on the fourth day, we decided to unbolt the toilet and go fishing, pun intended.  Now, I'm sorry but I have to be a tad gross for a minute, but just imagine the smell that comes from a dead fishing rotting in a toilet for over four days.  It's not pleasant, and my husband could not handle it.  Being that I worked for a veterinarian for many years, I was used to crazy smells and therefore had the task of getting Pinky out.  By this time, my husband was so furious about the incident, he took the Walmart bag that had Pinky's remain, marched down behind our house cursing with every step and threw her as far as he could into the woods.  We stopped buying fish after that.

But the doozy happened on New Year's Eve of 2009.  My aspie was still a baby and we had decided to have a quiet evening at home with just the three of us.  Because everyone was off, all of our relatives wanted us to visit in the day so that they could see the baby.  So, we decided to get ready and do our visting early and then be home for our nice celebration.  I just got my aspie into his car seat to leave for the day, when my husband had to use the bathroom.  He told me to go ahead and load up the baby and he would be right out.  Minutes later we were on our way.  We had such a nice day and got home about six hours later.  We opened the door to our home to see water wash out the door.  As my husband steps into the house, he looks over to see our living room ceiling on the floor and that our entire first level was flooded.  He could hear and see water overhead, so he ran upstairs to find the toilet overflowing continuously.  That's right, my husband, not Lisa "the clog", overflowed the toilet.  Something had happened that a pipe or gasket or something had broke due to the clog which allowed the toilet to continuously run.  I honestly, still don't know the how's or why's because as the plumber was talking I just kept thinking in my head, "Oh my gosh, my husband just took a dump on our entire house."  I just couldn't get over it.  Needless to say we packed up and went to my dad's house where we stayed until our home could be decontaminated and fixed.  We were back in the home about two days later, but the restoration was not completed for six months.  I did get a better floor out of the deal, but every time he goes to refer to me as "the clog" he stops knowing that I have one better in my back pocket. 

I honestly forgot about these incidents until the other day when my aspie comes into the bedroom where the baby and I were and said, "That's a lot a lot a lot of pee."  I knew something was up because every time my aspie pees he says the same thing.  "That's a lot of pee."  For the extra a lots I knew something had to be wrong.  Apparently, my aspie had flushed and it clogged, but not knowing what to do he just kept flushing.  It wasn't a big deal that it overflowed until my baby came running into the bathroom to see where his brother and I went.  Before I could get the yell out to stay back, he was sliding across the floor, on his back, in the overflow.  Oh yes, and here we are again.  The wrath of the toilet has struck, again!  So, two hours later, after the kids took baths, the bathroom was scrubbed and the toilet was unclogged, I sat down with my tea and had to laugh.  The "clogs" have spawned little "cloglings!"

The Naked Truth

If the pizza man comes to most houses in America, its probably no big deal.  Door bell is rung, door is answered, pizza is delivered, pizza is paid for, and pizza is eaten.  In our house, its an outright ordeal.  The truth is, my aspie is a clothing optional kind of kid.  Actually, he is nearly always naked at home. And this nakedness can be sort of awkward during times of pizza delivery, unexpected family/friends visits, and all the other random people that stop by a house during the day.

This nakedness has been developing over some time.  As a little one, he hated wearing shoes, then it was long sleeves, and now we have developed into the loathing of clothes in general.  Before we knew he had Asperger Syndrome, I think people who use to come over and visit thought I was just being too laid back with my aspie.  They thought I should be stricter with him and make him wear clothes.  I never really told them what it was like to try to get my son dressed.  Before I figured out what he would wear and of course to bribe him with a star sticker, he would scream, kick, yell and throw things as I was dressed him.  And then, as soon as I would walk out of the room he would get undressed.  Just as a side note, he has become the fastest undresser on this side of the Mississippi.  I honestly want to time it and call Guinness, because I think I have something here!  But I digress. 

What I have come to find out is that it is not uncommon for children with aspergers to also have sensory issues.  My son hates clothes, loud noises and for anyone to touch him liking hugging or high fiving besides myself and my husband.  However, he LOVES bright lights, hot showers, ice cubes and being hugged hard or nearly smashed by us while we rock him or lay down with him.  In other words he likes extremes.  Clothes are too in the middle, and therefore he finds them unnecessary.

He has gotten a lot better about getting dressed to go places now that we have figured out his favorite types of clothes.  He likes short sleeve shirts that have things he likes on them like Thomas the Tank Engine or Superman.  He likes button down polo shirts but only in blue, gray or stripes.  He loves jeans, mainly because Daddy wears only jeans.  He only wears one pair of shoes, unless there is snow and then he wears his fireman galoshes.  Getting him to wear a winter jacket this winter was a bit harder though.  I honestly had to bribe him with lollipops in the beginning when we practiced in the house.  Then we went to the store for a quick trip and he got a toy.  We built it up until now he does not mind it for short adventures out of the house.

A recent issue that has arisen due to my aspie's nakedness is that my baby watches his brother be naked and has just took a liking to not wearing pants.  He just figured out how to get his pants down to his knees and then my aspie helps with the rest.  The first time it happened my Aspie was very proud of himself and said, "Mommy I helped the baby, do I get a sticker!?"  So now I have one naked toddler and one partially clothed baby.  I have decided to pick my battles and my little one wearing pants just doesn't seem like something I need to tackle as of yet.  If he goes for the diaper, then I will intervene.

And so there you have it, the naked truth.  So what you say?  What's the big deal?  I will tell you the big deal.  Let's go back to the pizza man.  Here's a scenario: I ordered a pizza when my husband was on a trip. Pizza person is coming, so I have to get the little devils dressed. First I have to get the baby's pants on.  Okay, no big deal.  Then I will tackled my aspie.  On the way in with his clothes, my aspie has a meltdown because he doesn't want to put on his clothes on and threw his drink, which hit me.  Oh well, I just had to breathe, remain calm and remember to change my clothes later. I finally get my aspie dressed, when I leave the room to get the money for the pizza man because I heard the doorbell.  I open the door to the look of shock from the pizza man.  I look behind me to see my naked aspie and a pantsless baby all waiting to get the pizza because they are hungry.  Let's just say I do not order pizza unless my husband can go and pick it up.

Here's another person who is not a family member who has become quite accustomed to my aspie's nakedness and the partial clothing of the baby; our UPS delivery man.  I order from Amazon for many things.  Our diapers, wipes, vitamins, toilet paper, paper towels, cat litter, dog food, cat food, etc all come from Amazon which is delivered from UPS on most occasions.  On one particular delivery day my aspie had earned a train that he knew the UPS driver was going to deliver.  Therefore, instead of hiding like he would usually do, he came running out to grab his package.  Needless to say, the UPS man was shocked to see another package that day.  After my discussion with him about my son, he was very cool with it, being a father himself.  Now, our driver is used to the nakedness and does not even blink. 

My father-in-law who stops by unannounced many times has gotten used to the lack of clothing but can never let it go without a funny zinger.  You have to understand my father-in-law.  He is a retired special education teacher who learned a long time ago that humor can get you through a lot. Everything he says is always with a smile on his face to make me laugh, especially on those days that I just need to laugh.  Here's some quick ones that I remember him saying:  "Hey there, guess I missed the clothing optional memo."  "Wow, hi there captain naked."  "Do you need me to call CYS, is mommy not doing your laundry again?" He always laughs and my aspie always runs around happy to see his pappy. 

I have come to this conclusion about our clothing situation...Oh well.  My aspie's nakedness is not hurting anyone, nor it is hurting him, and hopefully someday he will be able to get to the point where the feeling of clothes will not bother him and he will be dressed inside our home.  If not, well then, I guess when he is older I will be visiting him at a nudest colony. 

Beard of Love

Through this blog and the amazing world of social media I was able to find this crazy cool charity called Beard of Love.  My husband has joined forces with this charity and agreed to grow his beard for six months to help in the raising of money for a child with cancer.  Please go to the new page I created called Links and other Cool Stuff to learn more about it.  As I come across more stuff, I will post it there and share. 

Shrek: The real life version

Let's be honest, if Shrek lived in our world he would be classified as a bipolar.  How could he not? He yells at everyone while having fits of rage and then in the next scene he is  smiling and laughing while skipping through a field of daisies.  He's up, he's down, he's angry, he's happy; he's on an ogre roller coaster.  Classic.  On many occasions as we sit and watch the Shrek movies I look over at my husband and think that these movies were written with him in mind.  He farts, scratches, is bald, his ears are still growing, he says inappropriate things, and when he is angry he roars.  It has to be him.  Now I know that this is not the most appealing description of my husband.  To be honest he is an amazingly handsome man who is truly sweet and endearing; its just that on some occasions he can be a true ogre.

After knowing him for a while, many of my friends have said how they were scared of my husband at first. Typically, they were scared of my hubs because he is tattooed up, rides a motorcycle, wears a skull ring the size of a golf ball and walks with a tough guy swagger.  He earned the swagger by holding many tough guy jobs, like being in the US Army's Infantry, working as an underwater welder (diver), and generally just being a free bad ass who was/is an adrenaline junky.  You can imagine the change of lifestyle that came when he all of a sudden became a husband, a father 9 months later (yes we got pregnant on our honeymoon), and started a job as a geologist (not known for being a thrilling, high adrenaline job to say the least).  He went from not caring about anything, to being responsible for a wife, a baby, a house and all the stuff in between.  He couldn't just go ride his bike when he wanted.  He couldn't just leave to go hunting or go buy anything he wanted on a whim.  He was having to be, dare I even say it, normal.  It started to kill him.  He hated the going to work, coming home, going to bed and doing it the next day, and the next, and the next, and the next, over and over and over again.  At the same time, we started rolling on the bipolar swings of being extremely happy with his family, to hating life and not wanting to be "stuck".  We had no clue that he suffered from anything beside just not adjusting and honestly I just thought he was just being an asshole that didn't appreciate what he had. If you want a better description, watch Shrek:  Forever After.  It's exactly what my husband went through.

Now I know that this is not the most flattering story that I could post about my husband.  But it's the truth, and I really wanted to write this, because to me it has a happily ever after ending.  After months of being depressed, hating life, not sleeping, not eating, and honestly just plain miserable, he finally decided to go see a professional at my request.  He realized that he was losing his family, exhausted from living the way he was, and he realized he was missing the best part of life.  Upon going to the psychiatrist, he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder.  The doctor explained to us that my husband was the perfect cut and dry case of being a bipolar, down to the jobs he had, his past high school record (I will not say any more) and the tough time he was having to "normal" life.  He explained to us that the high adrenaline careers helped my husband sort of self-medicate because they would help in the extra production of serotonin, or as I like to call it "the happy juice."  That many people with bipolar feel ten feet tall and bullet proof so risk their lives or make bad life choices for the rush and for the lack of caring.  After rush goes away, then next fix.  Stopping that to sit at home and play patty-cake removed his fix.  He also said the not sleeping for weeks, then sleeping for two days straight was an indicator.  The having ten hobbies at once then not doing any of them was also a sign.  But mostly, just the abrupt change of life threw him into a downward spiral of depression where there were more downs than ups.  He was able to help my husband by putting him on some medication that has done wonders for him.

This is a happily ever after story for me because my husband, the tough guy that he is asked for help.  Yes, I suggested it, but HE was the one that called and made an appointment.  HE recognized that he was not doing well and needed someone to help him along.  He helped himself and saved his family.  He was the ogre who saved the princess (and their baby ogre) and took her to his swamp (otherwise know as Brownsville, PA) to live happily ever after.

Now, I'm not going to lie and tell you its rainbows and butterflies everyday.  It's not.  In fact, as I mentioned in an earlier post, we just went through a horrible rough patch, but no one's life is perfect, right?  But as the Army taught my husband, you improvise, adapt and overcome.  And honestly that motto stands true for anything in life.  The Army taught him that, the psychiatrist taught him how to breathe, and I taught him how to make a damn good martini. Besides our boys, what else do you need for life?!  

Please Pick the Next Blog!

My husband and I cannot decide the next post.  We both have our favorites and are holding firm in our choices.  If you would be so kind to settle our fight, I would be very grateful. Please pick a post that you would like to read.  I threw in a extra wild-card pick just for fun as well.  If you would be so kind to scroll down clear to the end of all posts, at the bottom of this site you will find a box where you can vote on the next post.  The poll will end tomorrow at 6:00 pm, EST, so please vote before then.  We are settling this fight, new school style, through social media.  This is a big thing for my hubbie since he just got a smart phone last week when he decided to join the rest of the world.

Also, you might notice some additions to my blog.  I was tagged for the Liebester Award by another awesome blogger!  My Adventures with Riley tagged me and I really appreciate it!  Thanks again for that!  Also, I was picked up by an Advertising Agency for ad placement!  This is super cool and completely unexpected.  I thought it was a joke or scheme at first until I checked tit out and found out they were legit! Hope you don't mind the new additions and I hope you continue to keep reading my postings!  Trust me, I will keep posting since there is never a shortage of material in this household! 

Hope all is well with everyone and don't forget to scroll down and vote!  (I'm gonna win by the way! I know it!)

In our house its wear a helmet or duck

One of the many things that my bipolar hubs and my aspie have in common is the fact that they love to throw things.  It can be an everyday occurrence that something goes whizzing by for some reason or another.  Sometimes I can see it coming, especially in my hubbie.  He has been known to have the habit of getting into fights with inanimate objects.  Its actually quite hilarious, but I would never dare laugh when the drama is occurring.  Oh no, I have become amazing good at breaking up laughing on the inside, but looking compassionate and understanding on the outside.  Why yes honey it is stupid that the Keruig needs water to make coffee.  Yes honey I also have a hard time working the blender, the button are too small for human fingers.  Or whatever other justification that he has for starting a one-sided battle with something non-living.  If my husband begins to lose his fight, then he stomps to the backdoor, opens it up, and the object goes flying out the backdoor onto the patio or out into the yard.  (Neighbors, if you are reading this, this explains the random objects in our back yard.  I am sure you were wondering why on any given day a random electronic was in the yard.)

For my son, its actually a lot harder to see when the whirling will be unleashed.  This actually makes it more fun only in terms of the spontaneity of the object toss.  My baby has become amazingly good at deflecting items that come in his direction from his older brother.  If the tossing doesn't stop, I'm pretty sure the baby will be ready as a catcher for any pro baseball team by the age of 5.  My aspie throws things when he is happy or over-excited, when he is angry, or when the baby comes within 5 ft of his favorite train that he might be playing with at that moment.  When the baby is feeling spunky or wanting to get his older brother mad, he runs in, grabs a train, and goes running out as fast as he possibly can, laughing the whole time.  Its almost like he knows when his brother catches he will face a wrath, but those few moments of joy are oh so precious he has to do it anyway. 

What makes the throwing in our house so funny to me are the types of items that are thrown.  Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would see some of these items get the toss.  Here is an short list of the many things that have been thrown in my house.

• diapers (both used and not used)
• bottles
• remote control
• phones/cell phones
• dvd's
• dvd player
• Smittie our cat (no cats were harmed in the throwing)
• dishes/bowls/utensils
• vacuum
• potted plants
• toys (and not just by my sons but will not mention any names)
• coffee mugs
• tools
• items of clothing (both clean and dirty)
• weed whacker (our son does not use this yet so....)
• shower curtain rod
• Laptop/Kindle
• clothes baskets
• food (including a smoothie)

Now let me make clear that I am not condoning the trowing of objects.  Its actually a big deal and we are working extensively to stop this.  We here, in the house of crazies, have started using a sticker system.  My aspie works for stickers and after so many he earns something that he really wants.  Usually its popcorn movie night, where I pop him some homemade popcorn and we watch a new movie of his choosing.  When we started the sticker system, there were three slots.  My aspie, being very smart says, "Daddy, you throw stuff too, you need to do the chart too!"  And so, now both my husband, the baby and my aspie work for stickers on the sticker chart.  Every night, before bed, we as a family ask all the questions on the sticker chart including:  Did you use the potty?  Did you brush your teeth?  Did you yell today?  Did you throw anything today?  etc.  It's cute to watch my boys and my hubbie answer the questions and high-five if they earned a sticker.  It's keeping my boys (all three of them) honest.  I'm not sure whose benefiting from the chart more, the little ones or the big one! 

Hopefully, the sticker chart will work wonders, but I just have to say though, if you ever find yourself visiting us just remember to wear a helmet or duck because you never know what could go flying by. 

A Short: The Cheeseburger Conundrum Solved!

I have learned over the years that I have a way of over complicating things.  Yesterday, my boys were really good all day and so we stopped at McDonald's (Old McDonald's if you ask my aspie) for a happy meal treat.  This is a big deal because we rarely, rarely stop for fast food.  When we do though my aspie always eats his cheeseburger around all the edges and then throws it down.  My hubs and I could never figure out why he does this.  Because my aspie has many other quirks, like hating to wear long sleeves, having to say "I'm four" every time he hears or sees the number 4, and only drinking milk in a certain glass; we thought it was for some reason that he had come up to eat his cheeseburger in this manner.  We thought maybe he wanted to eat it and keep it in the shape it can in.  Maybe he got his hands dirty when he ate it some other way and so decided to perform the circle consumption.  Maybe he only wanted to eat so many bites.  Maybe he just wasn't that hungry, since eating at all is usually a struggle for us.  We thought of just about everything but the basics. 

Yesterday, out of the corner of my eye I saw my aspie bite into his cheeseburger after he performed the normal circle eating pattern and make a yucky face.  He put his cheeseburger down and reached for his apples.  I looked over at his cheeseburger to see a pickle sticking out at the same point his just bit into.  I can't believe it.  My son does not like pickles.  Nothing else, he just doesn't like pickles.  This whole time he had been eating around the pickles and then throwing it out.  I guess I should have stuck to the KISS method.  Keep it simple stupid.

Touche'

My aspie is so smart. I will probably continuously say this throughout all my posts, mainly because every day he surprises me with his intellect. This really is a problem though. I know that I should not admit this, because most would be embarrassed to say this, but my 4 year old is smarter than me. He outsmarts my hubbie and I all the time! It's horrible. Just when we think we are on top of things he throws us some smarty pants comment and we stand there like two bumps on a pickle not knowing what to say. How could this be so? I mean, he's four. But I have come to realize he is four in physical size but not mental size. Mentally, he has the knowledge of a 89 year old.
 

Tell me what you would have done in this scenario. When we are driving in the car, I have the horrible habit of throwing my trash, be it candy wrappers, bags, or coffee cups on the floor of the backseat. My logic was that the boys were going to through their stuff down there as well and I just clean it all up together. Well, not too long ago, I was driving along when all of a sudden my aspie threw an apple core up front hitting the dash board and dropping to the passenger side floor. I yelled, "Hey, what did you do that for?" He replied as calmly as possible. "Mommy, you throw stuff in our space all the time." Touché son, touché. 

Here's another time that my hubbie and I were in a big conundrum. We always spend Christmas Eve at my in-laws and all the cousins are together. This year, Santa's sleigh just happened to "break down" on their roof. Since Santa was stuck there waiting for the elves to fix his sleigh, he decided to come in and give each child a toy. It was amazing. My boys loved it. My baby was waving and smiling so big. My aspie, who generally speaks to no one and never ever allows for anyone to touch him besides my husband and I, went nuts with excitement. He asked Santa so many questions about his reindeer and his sleigh. HUGGED him three times and HELD his hand almost the whole time he was there. I cried. It was the best Christmas present I have received, ever. To see my boys so happy and just loving Santa on Christmas Eve was amazing, breathtaking, and awesome. After Santa left, it was time to go to get the boys to bed. We get home, sure that my aspie was going to rush to bed because Santa told them to get to bed early. Well, after our normal twenty minute bed time routine, instead of my aspie rushing to his room, he went downstairs and sat in the rocker chair. My husband and I tucked in our baby then went downstairs to see what our 4 year old was up to. When we asked why he wasn't in his bed falling asleep he said, "I am waiting for Santa to come." We said, but no, don't you understand? You have to be asleep before Santa will leave your toys. My aspie responds, "Well, I wasn't asleep at Nannie and Pappy's house and I got a present." And there we were, standing there like ding-dongs, trying to grasp at straws as to how that was different from the present. But son, that is not how it works.  Remember the song, “he knows when you are sleeping, he know when you’re awake.”  No luck.  Santa and him were friends and hence throw the old rules out the window. Everything we thought of still didn't trump his reasoning. So, we sat and waited for Santa until the Sandman threw us a bone.
 

I have always thought of myself as a pretty intelligent chick. It wasn't til I was humbled by my son on many occasions that I realized intelligence isn't just a grade on a report card or your job title in life. It's how many times you make a person thirty years older speechless feeling like a knucklehead. For times like these, I just have to laugh.

Share your social hand grenade moments

Please feel free to comment with your family's social hand grenade moments (See post below!)  I am sure that we are not the only family that has them. Or if you know family and have some favorite quotes from us, please share!  Thanks!

Social Hand Grenade

Some of our very good friends gave my husband a nickname of sorts.  They always call him the "social hand grenade" because of his ill-timed comments that are always funny but never appropriate.  I am not sure if it's the bipolar, his quick wit, or just a lack of a verbal filter, but he always comes out with zingers that make you laugh, even when you know its oh so wrong.  Little did our friends (and me for that matter) know that the name actually applied to my son as well.

All kids say crazy things.  That's part of the reason for them being so cute.  To complicate our situation though, a child with Asperger's does not understand social cues, nor do they pick up on facial expressions. For my aspie, this increases the chances of saying inappropriate things at horrible times.  Add that to the fact that he quotes animated movies continually also does not help in the matter.  Because he knows he does not understand our social cues and facial expressions we think he is trying to learn them from watching movies. He LOVES watching movies.  He will bug us to watch the same movie over and over again, which of course we limit, but he still gets his way at least once a day.  Because he is so smart, once he watches a movie, he can act out, recite, and imitate nearly any scene from that movie.  It's truly amazing.  If he watches it a second time, we have noticed that he tries to reenact the facial expressions that they make to match them. Honestly, he is either going to be an award winning actor, or the best partner to have in a movie trivia competition.  Obviously, the characters he loves the most are the villains, because they are so over-the-top with their faces and verbal expressions.  Hopefully, you can see where I am going with this.  It never fails, if we are somewhere in public, at relatives, etc he will come up with a zinger from a movie that only my husband and I know because not everyone watches children's animation and we have to explain this same long story so no ones feelings are hurt.

I thought for entertainment purposes, a few examples were necessary to justify my social hand grenade labeling.  Here are my top 5 Social Hand Grenade Moments produced by both my husband and my aspie!

5.  My father-in-law sometimes takes my aspie to and from pre-school.  My son hates going to preschool and cries almost every morning that he has to go.  On one particular feisty morning, instead of crying, he walks by my father-in-law points and says with the craziest evil face he could produce, "I don't like that guy!"  -A quote from Despicable Me, when Dr Gru was talking about Vector.

4.  A guy was walking his dog down the road, when our two girls (Penny a Boxer and Lola a Lab) decided they wanted to bark and run after the man.  Of course they stopped at the end of our yard, but our neighbor had some not so nice things to say about the incident.  My husband, overhearing the man, walked over and said to the man, "Buddy, I ain't gonna lie and tell you I won every fight I've ever been in, but I can tell you this.  I never lost a fight to a man in a track suit."  The man picked up his small dog and jogged away.

3.  We had our family over for Christmas, even though we had been suffering through the flu.  We were so tired but really and truly loved having our family over.  As the night goes on, people start to leave and we were down to our last two guests.  The nicest and sweetest couple you could ever have as guests.  My aspie, wanting so badly to take a bath to play with his new tubbie toy he got from Santa, walked up to them and said, "We want you to leave.  This is redonkulous!"  -First part, purly my aspie, second part a quote from Shrek Forever After.  

2.  When my husband and I were first dating we went to the movies as many new couples do.  I cannot remember if Confessions of a Shopaholic was the exact movie preview or not, but it makes my point as to what type of film was being advertised.  After the preview was over, in a not so quiet voice, my now husband announces, "Wow, that looks like a two hour douche commercial."  I should have known then.

1.This one needs a lot of explaining so that no one gets upset.  First off, I am overweight and so cannot judge anyone else who has a weight problem.  Secondly, I am still not sure if my son really connected the two or if it just happened to be a horrible coincidence.  So let me set up the background information for this story.  In the movie, Madagascar: Escape from Africa, the girl hippo finds a guy hippo that really likes her because she is the biggest hippo in Africa.  In the background during their introduction scene there is a song that plays that talks about her being big, and plumpy, and round, and curvy.  Okay, so now let's seg-way to Walmart.  I have my two boys in the cart to get a few groceries when I stop in an isle to look at something.  I did notice a heavy set person in a cart across the isle from us and did not think anything of it.  Next thing I hear, my aspie is singing in the loudest voice possible, "I like them big.  I like them plumpy.  I like them round. I like them chunky."  I threw what I had in my hand in the cart and pushed them away so fast that my baby nearly knocked his head on the cart's handle in the process.  I know that this was not probably the best response to the situation, but it was a pure reaction process that took over.  My aspie was laughing loving the fast pace that the cart was going and with out missing a beat asked when he got to pick out his toy for being a good boy.   

On days that my social hand grenades explode, I reach for a margarita.

Stuff Calgon cannot take away...

My father-in-law and I were driving home from the doctor's office last week with my two red teary-eyed toddlers in the back, when he looked at me with a shit-eatin' grin and said, "So what adventure do you have planned for tomorrow?"  He was saying this because over the last few months (probably longer if I am going to be truthful) my family has been in non-stop crazy mode.  Almost everyday, some catastrophe occurs in this family that varies in degree but never disappoints.  Before I go into the story that I led with and others, let me give a little bullet of recent events that have cause in increase in crazy.

From October 2012 to Present:

• I lost a job that I loved as a geology professor.
• Husband due to no fault of his own went off his bipolar disorder medication causing crazy mood swings. 
• My 4 year old son was diagnosed with asperger syndrome and we are now trying to get him the therapies he needs.
• We had the flu over Christmas and New Years.

In other words, we have not had a shortage of bad news or situations of late.  It was starting to feel like someone had cursed us, and quite frankly I am still not sure if that is not the case yet.  No other explanation makes sense.  No matter why or how though, all of this has happened which has truly made me appreciate breathing, laughing, and of course alcoholic beverages.  There is no other way to have survived it all.

Now back to my sarcastic father-in-law.  He had chosen the short straw to help me take my two boys to the doctor's office for a post flu check-up.  My 4 year old aspie hates visiting the doctor because of course they have to touch him.  Something that he despises.  And of course they are going to talk to him and there will be loud noises, other things that he hates.  So, it's basically a trip to hell for him.  Because my 21 month old is in the, I will do what my older brother does stage, he too then hates the doctors.  So, we had two little ones who cried, screamed, pooped, and thrashed when the doctor examined them.  It is exhausting and emotionally draining.  It was one of those moments that it just sucks being a mom.  Why?  Because I know I caused them to be scared by taking them to the doctors but I also know that it had to be done.  So, my father-in-law thought that that was the adventure, but I knew better.

All these things that sort of crept up on us all intertwine on days like those.  I knew that my aspie would be off and have meltdowns that would include throwing, hitting, biting, peeing, and being mean to his younger brother, which in turn would set off my bipolar husband to start fuming, venting, and hating life.  Together, they would not eat, not sleep and truly just have a horrible evening.  And this is how it went.  I was just about to lose my mind, because dad was about to yell at aspie when my baby, the 21 month old, let out the loudest, wettest, funniest raspberry that you ever heard.  (Thought I was going to say fart, didn't you?)  It might not come across as funny now, but in that high stress, majorly intense moment, it was hilarious. All of us laughed and gave way to our best raspberries possible which deflated all the tension in the house. I swear after that it was easy to breathe.  Not to long later, aspie and husband had a snack and kids went to bed.  I'll have to remember this moment the next time the baby flushes my make-up down the toilet.  I guess he does earn a reprieve. 

Some days we laugh, some days we just breathe, some days I have a margarita, and some days we blow raspberries.