Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Attachment Parenting

I have been a stay at home mom now for about six weeks.  In that time my baby (who is going to be two soon, so I should probably stop calling him that) has become extremely attached to me.  We do EVERYTHING together. I can no longer be more than 3 feet away from him or he cries and scoots closer to me.  In the beginning it was cute. Actually, I loved it. Oh, it's okay if he is sitting on my lap while I go to the bathroom, he just likes mommy being home.  No honey, I can hold him while I am shopping, he just wants me today.  It's okay you don't need to take him, he is going to hold my hand while I shower. Yes, I will admit it, the situation has gotten bad, maybe a tad pathetic, and yes I was a sucker for my kid's face,  but now six weeks in, I cannot do anything by myself without having a three foot mobile hemorrhoid behind me or attached to me.  If I walk and stop to fast, my baby runs into my butt.  (He does this to my father-in-law as well, which is his mommy substitute.)  If I wake up during the night, he is right there staring in my face.  While washing dishes he hangs onto my leg, and if my husband tries to sit next to me on the couch he will sit in between us.  Am I complaining, sort of.  I love it, most of the time.  But there are days, like today, that I just want to have some space.  I just want to hide in a closet to be by myself for just a few minutes or maybe longer.  Does that make me a bad mom?  I doubt it, and if it does no one tell me, I don't want to know.  But I can't help to feel like my baby has decided that we are going to do attachment parenting without any say so from me.  It's final.

Prime Example: I just snuck away to write this post. My husband just stuck his head in to tell me our 4 year old is eating! He said he is eating like an animal and we both were shocked and excited. As we were talking I could here little stomps of feet coming up the steps and the recognizable, "Hey, I am not with mommy" whine that comes when he is searching for me. My husband, thinking its hilarious because its not him says, "It's coming. It's coming for you" in his best Halloween movie voice he could produce. My husband shuts the door and my baby started crying realizing that I was inside. With a promise of a Cutie (clementines) and some Sprout TV, he took the little one downstairs with only a slight fight being had. Ah yeah, I'm screwed.

I will say though, being this close to him during his six weeks of baby boot camp, I have noticed his reactions to my aspie and my hubbie.  Often times, prior to these last six weeks, I have felt so guilty that the baby was not getting a lot of attention.  My aspie and my husband often times demand my attention for obvious reasons with managing their conditions.  The baby is truly happy go lucky, and as the cliche says, the squeeky wheel gets the grease.  But now being home with him, and with his you are not going anywhere without me demands, I have watched him intently.  I have watched how he interacts with his brother, with his daddy, and by himself.  Watching him makes me realize so many things.

First off, children do not see labels, disabilities or syndromes.  They just see their loved ones.  My baby allows for my aspie to have his meltdown, have his moment to reconnect with us, and then back to playing they go like nothing happened.  No empathy, no judgements, no feeling sorry, just whenever you are done we can go back to play.  And to be quite truthful, my baby idolizes his older brother.  He hugs him, even when my aspie doesn't hug back.  He kisses him, even when my aspie doesn't kiss back.  And he holds his hand, even when my aspie doesn't hold back.  And in doing so, my aspie knows that his younger brother loves him and he tells us it all the time.  "The baby loves me" he says.  He also knows it's unconditional.  He doesn't say it, but you can see it whenever they look at each other.  They are brothers, no other labels.

It's the same for my husband.  No judgements, just love. 

Now I know he is too young to understand the harder side of life.  To him, it's meals, naps, and play, but on the flip side of this children are so aware of everything!  I know he knows Ross has moments.  I know he knows my husband has even bigger moments, and yet he waits till its all blown over and carries on with his day.

I have also realized that if you love and like yourself, life's great.  The baby has no judgement on himself.  He just is.  Having no worries and judgements on yourself makes you free to do the playing, loving, laughing that little ones can do.  He's not worried about his weight, his hair color, lack of hair, or hair in weird places, his acne, pants size, or wearing a bathing suit in the upcoming season like the rest of us do.  He just is the way he is because he hasn't got a chance to learn that from society yet. 

Now, I know this would be impossible to do as an adult.  Some judgement is good to keep up healthy and "normal".  However, the obsessing that goes with it can be a problem for us adults, right?  The lack of worries is impossible, the lack of judgement is impossible, and the going through life oblivious of our responsibilities is impossible as well for most of us.  However, since my baby decided on this attachment parenting thing, I might as well try to take some pointers from him.  I think I will obsess less on the "wrongs" of me.  I will try hard not to place judgement on others or their labels.  And I will try to do more play, meals and naps/sleep. And I will stop worrying so much as to whether I am doing everything right.  I will not worry if I am doing this stay at home mom thing correctly.  I will not worry if my kids are the only kids in the world who do not bath every night.  I will not worry if my kids are not doing enough craft activities like all those moms do on pinterest.  I just will be my baby and my aspie's mom and my husband's sexy old-lady.

So, what should you learn from this post.  Have fun, stop worrying, and if your baby wants be with you every second of everyday, so what.  He's about to be 18 in a blink of an eye, move out, only call once a month, and marry some horrible woman who will take over his life.  As I see it, I am just banking time in advance.  But I'm not worrying or anything!

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Jennifer Rogers said...

Did you right the first half of this blog about us!!!!!!!!!!

Jennifer Rogers said...

Write!!!!!!! Stupid autocorrect

Lisa Lohr said...

Yes, you have a little mobile hemroid too!

@dkotucker said...

Ahhhh yes...I remember those days clearly. What a great outlook you have. Let me know how that's working for you in a couple more weeks OK? *wink*

Not to rain on your parade...my 20 year old has no desire to move out. Ha!