Friday, August 2, 2013

There will be days like these

Yesterday I had a rough day.  Nothing happened to my boys or my husband, but I had to face the hard reality that my aspie along with my husband and I have a long road ahead of us and this weighted heavily on my heart.  The reason all of this was brought to my attention was because I had to meet with the local behavioral health clinic to obtain in home therapy for our kiddo. 

We have been trying to receive a behavior and therapeutic therapist for our autistic son since his diagnosis, and although it seems easy enough, there are many hoops of fire to jump through in order for an insurance company, or medical assistance to finally see a need for these therapies.  I was so excited when we finally received the notice that he was eligible, that a meeting was schedule to pick a team of specialist and that we were finally going to obtain a case manager for our aspie that when the time finally came I marched in the building ready to get the ball rolling.  I had no clue that I would be leaving in nearly tears due to the process, not because of the people or the procedures, but because I basically had to tattle-tell on my little four year old.

Although our aspie has been taking many awesome steps of improvement this summer, we still many struggles behind close doors (and for that matter out in public) that we need help combating.  We still have major temper tantrums, still hit, still don't play that great with others, still have eating issues, etc, etc, and yesterday I had to detail all of them to show a final proof of need in front of our new case manager and a county representative for our region.  At the beginning of our two hour meeting, our sweet case manager made the comment to not feel bad for the questions that he was going to ask, that I need to be as honest as possible.  I had no clue though what it was going to feel like to basically complain and rat out my lil man on his behavior, struggles, issues, and everything in between.  I had to tell them about how he has taken an interested in lighters, in aerosol cans and pill bottles and that we have closets and cabinets locked up like a penitentiary.  That he has run away from our home when I said no to something, which made us install locks keeping us locked IN our own home.  That he still does not understand car danger or running away from us in public and that, yes on occasion I have lost him in a store because a loud noise scared him.  How I had to tackle him one day because I couldn't get him to stop banging his head against the wall, and that getting dressed in the mornings is like going to war with a four year old ninja warrior.  By the end of it, I could hardly hold back the tears of pure sadness that I had for my amazingly loving son, who is the smartest and sweetest four year old I know. 

When I reached my car I called my husband and father to tell them that we were accepted for in home therapy and I couldn't wait for it to start, but they both immediately picked up in my voice that I was depressed.  They both explained that this was for the best.  That this was going to help all of us, and of course I knew this, but it still didn't help the fact that I had to play through all of those things we struggle with on a daily basis.  For some reason it felt like I could no longer hold the weighted of the world on my shoulders and I just got so tired that I honestly went home and went to bed for a few hours.  When I woke up I still felt so sad, but I kicked myself in the butt and took my aspie to my dad's house because he had been asking to go and visit.  It honestly was the best thing I could of done, because I got to watch my lil man play with chalk outside, laughing and talking with his pap.  It's what I needed to see; the smile on my guy's face to let me know that we are fine.  That I am sure I will have breaking days were it will all seem overwhelming.  I mean, we all have moments of weakness, right?  I hope so!  But in the end, you move on.  Really, there is no other option, but what I mean is when I woke up today, I woke up with a new determination to take on yet another day with optimism and promise.  I will not let myself wollow in self pity for to long when I do have those weak days, because that is not fair to my aspie, my husband, nor the baby.  It's only fair to be happy and be there for them.  And so a brand new day!

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